Review time, and not even a third of the way through the story... More like "critique time". Ugh. Okay, you obviously say you know PoV, and you do. However, my old Creative Writing teacher would have, at the point I am, possibly thrown the paper away. Or at least, my old High School English teacher would have xD CW Teach would probably just be cringing and marking up with a happy little red pen.
I know this will probably mean nothing at all, and has very possibly been mentioned already, but I'd like to say it anyway. You need to be consistent with the point of view, and tense of the story! Otherwise it can give a headache. You start out somewhat confusing, but we figure out that "oh, okay, these are Kagome's thoughts." And you jump from past-tense, to present-tense, to past-tense. And then, when she sees who is at the well, you jump to first-person, and back to third!
I was looking forward to reading the story, when I read the summary I'd thought "Oh, that sounds good," but holy crap is it a whirlwind already. I will attempt to read it, just because it does look really good; but its also possible that I might get tired of mental-rewriting. :/ In that case, its a very sad thing because of how good of a story this sounds.
Anyway... The likeliness of a rewrite is slim to none, but I'm going to encourage it anyway.
*gaspflail* Oh and this is in no way a flame DDDD: I loathe flames. Not flame! *meep* I just like trying to help people with advice... D:
*scoots off to do more reading*
Sakura (Chapter 66) - Fri 05 Aug 2011
This story was Amazingly Awesome! I Loved It! You are really good at writing stories! I will check out more of ur stories! and if ive read stories of yours on Fanfiction, then i'll give u my penname frm there. Ja Ne!
Fanfiction penname:
CrescentMoon760
inufan (Chapter 11) - Sat 25 Jun 2011
they fall in love to fast....and sess is out of charcter for me im sorry
inufan (Chapter 1) - Sat 25 Jun 2011
it strated out nice. i kinda feel it real when u mention kagura dying.
but part that rin being his adopted daughter it be nice if u could change it into his ward.
don't u think is too uhhhmmm idk almost imitating..
Toolazytosignin (Chapter 1) - Tue 17 May 2011
The story was a bit too jumpy for my taste sorry but you do have potential just work on making it less all over the place
Eklipse (Chapter 36) - Wed 27 Apr 2011
someone FLAMED YOU!!! That person can go though the 7 hells because you write the most amazing storys i have ever read. I hope you dont think much about flames because the only reason ppl send them is because they cant write anything better. BTW i LOVE the story. take cares
Eklipse (Chapter 34) - Tue 26 Apr 2011
HAHA!!! i live for random funny moments like this!
Eklipse (Chapter 19) - Mon 25 Apr 2011
Omg... Best STORY EVER!! I really enjoy it.
I loved this story. It was very good. I cant wait to read the sequel. I am excited. Thanks for writing a fantastic story!!!!
OMG!!! That was the funniest S*** I have read in a long time. I could not stop laughing. I started to cry. Poor Sesshoumaru having to deal with an imp that does not know how to keep his mouth shut. Great chapter.
I loved this chapter. I could not stop laughing when Rin Said It was Raining Jaken-samas and then when Shippou asked “Are anymore going to fall out from the sky?” It was so Funny. great job.
I remember reading this on another site and loving it just as much as I do now. It is wonderful to watch how your writing improves through the course of the tale. Honestly, the only thing I dislike is Kouga becoming a bad-guy... but even that was done in a believable way which I can handle. *sheepish chuckle* Somewhat.
There is one scene that though I love it wriggles under my skin in a frustrating, indefinable fashion: the scene by the waterfall where Jaken heated the lake for the females. On one hand I find it beautiful, touching, and sweet as it further improves relationships as well as raising Jaken in a favorable character role. At the same time... I can't help but wonder what happened to the natural ecosystem of the waterfall and its lake. There had to have been plants, fish, and likely animals too that were living there that suddenly died at the swift and high change in temperature. The notion tugs painfully at my chest even though this is only fanfiction -yes, I can be a sentimental sap that way. ^_^ Of course then there's the mental image of the newly boiled fish popping to the surface belly-up which is just plain gross. ^_^ Nothing particularly Wrong about it... just I instantly thought and felt too much into it that even teens of chapters later it’s still on my mind. Hence the sharing. ;)
All in all a lovely story. Thanks so much for writing!
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