All in All by AHeartofIce

I Can't...Remember

I am what I am.... I have no name. Not that you would care.... Hell, after all that has happened to me, I don't think I care either.... My life is fraught with worry and excitement as some people would say.... It's a daily routine for me. The events of almost everyday in my life went something like this: stop and rest or eat, walk to some village that always seems to have a youkai, defeat the youkai, rest some more, walk, get attacked by some random youkai, defeat the youkai and repeat from step one. Though it does seem exciting for some, for me, it was just plain annoying.... I got tired of youkai always attacking us; excuse me, always attacking me.

My name does not matter to me anymore. It's just a word more or less. Just something that people recognized me by. Just an it. So I have decided that I have no name. What made me come to this decision? Well, just look at that pile of wood over there, covering up what seems to be a hole. Do you know what it is? It's the well. And do you see those mounds over there by that tree.... Well, those...those were my friends...every last one of them.... Even my little kitsune is in one of those horrid mounds.... I miss them very much, but there is nothing I can do.... I have no name for I have no one who remembers me....

Kaede was the last person who remembered me and what I did...but she died not too long ago.... I sit down on the grass near my kitsune's grave and put my head in my hands. I feel nothing anymore. Just numb. That's all there is to it...I'm numb.... I stare at the sky then. Twilight.... Beautiful. Nature's wonders can cheer anybody up...but not me....

I decide to climb up the tree, brushing the place where Inuyasha once rested before. I climb to the highest branch and look down. Very steep. Don't want to slip. Hope I can get down all right. I sit down on the branch and look over the horizon where the sun was setting. Just then the wind decided to pick up and blew into my face moving the hair that hung there before to be settled behind my shoulders. The wind continues to blow and the breeze feels good on this fine summer afternoon. It's so peaceful. I wish my friends could feel this breeze.... But they can't, for they're dead and in the ground...with the worms and other creepy crawlies eating at their bodies....

I shudder at that thought. When I die I want to be cremated. No questions asked...I want to be cremated. And on the vase that holds my ashes will be no name, for I have none.... I don't even remember my name.... I guess that proves that I don't have one....

I stand up and test the branch's wait. It looked thick and wide enough, but there could be rotting wood somewhere. I go out farther, my hand leaving the trunk. I'm confident enough that I won't fall. I've done this a lot of times before.... There. You see? It can hold my weight.... I guess that means I'm sleeping in this tree again.

Did you know that I haven't talked to anyone for months? Sure I've gone to the village everyday, but I've never talked to the villagers. Ever since Kaede died, they began to forget my name, too. Soon, they asked me who I was, like I was a complete stranger...and when I wouldn't answer and just stare into their eyes, they grew uncomfortable and excused themselves.

I don't remember my family. I think I had cat. He was very obese...and lazy.... Funny, he's the only one I remember. I remember a white cat with orange spots, but I don't remember his name. I know I have a mother and a father; I just don't have a mental image of them. I'm not even sure if I have brothers or sisters. The bright side is, I don't miss them. Don't think me cruel its just there's nothing there to miss....

While I get comfortable on the tree branch, I stare up at the sky, which had turned into night fifteen minutes ago. As I stare at the stars, I wonder if they're spirits. Spirits in limbo perhaps? Waiting to be judged? Will I be up there someday...? Are...my friends up there?

Perhaps. I wouldn't know. I'm just a little human girl who's stuck here; in this hellish nightmare we call life. Don't get me wrong, I'm grateful that I have life.... It's just that no one is in my life, but me and even then, sometimes I don't even think I'm there. I'm just a nineteen-year-old girl who roams the forest freely. Even youkai don't like to bother me. I don't mope, I just roam. I could leave this forest anytime I want, but for some reason, I don't like unfamiliar territory.... I would rather stay in my forest thank you very much.... Where youkai and human alike know me as Seikatsu.... Death and life.... Somewhere in the middle I guess.

As I ponder this train of thought, I hear a very faint sound. A very faint, but very familiar sound. I stand up on my branch, having laid down and closed my eyes, but not sleeping, a while ago. I climbed down the tree and landed safely on the ground, next to the gravesites. I stared at the mounds again, lost in thought for a bit when I heard it again. It seemed to be louder now, but what was it? I followed the sound, my ambition fueled by my curiosity.

The sound was getting louder and louder and suddenly, I burst into a small clearing. The sound was not a sound, more over a song, more over, over a songbird.

I neared the little mockingbird slowly, so it wouldn't fly away. The song it made was so sweet. I was hit with a wave of nostalgia as I remembered something I read from a book when I was one to do so. In short, it had said, "Never kill a mockingbird. All they do is make music for us in this world. To kill one would be a sin." Give or take a few words. I smiled. Not a real smile, no, I never smile a real smile. A real smile doesn't have what I put into this fake one that said that I was happy and nothing could change that. My smile, right then, was a ruse.

I lay down on the grass and just as I did, the mockingbird took flight. It was magnificent in the wee hours of the night. Though I could barely see it, I heard its song echoing throughout the night as it lured me to sleep.

A...L...L...

It is morning, now. The birds are out chirping their songs, but my mockingbird is gone. I wonder where she went.... No time to ponder this.... I have a village to go to....

I walk through the forest, and through my miko powers, I feel youkai wandering around. One sticks out more than the rest. It is very powerful. I wonder what it could be. I reach out further and the jaki flares a little to overpower my ki. In reaction, mine flares a bit more, too. This calm battle went on for a few minutes until, finally, I reached the village and decided to end this battle all together...by just letting the youkai win.

So, without further ado, I ceased this game by dropping my ki and let the jaki flow over me. It was like jumping into a cold river. I shuddered as I felt it explore my power and body and even my mind. It poked and probed. Do you know what it's like to have someone explore your mind...and you know they're in there? Not pleasant.

After awhile the probing feeling left, but I still felt it there in my mind. I gently pushed it, but it refused to leave, so, I left it alone. I knew what it was doing.... If it wanted to find me, who was I to stop it?

A/N-I shudder to think that something so little took so long to make.....