Everything and Nothing by teaforpsychos

Everything and Nothing

When you say 'I'm sorry', is it for everything that's happened or is it for one instance you'll probably never even think of when you're forty? When you fight for whatever reason, is it for the spur of the moment or is it for something that you probably don't even understand? For a long time, I never said sorry for more than one instance in time, I never fought for whatever reason because I needed too. Everything was in the present, never the future or the past. Of course, everyone will tell you that one should never dwell upon the past. That you should just simply look at the road you're walking on now and focus on the walking. What if they were wrong? What if they were so utterly wrong that once you learned the truth, it would break you, cast you into a chasm so deep, so dark that you could spend years upon years searching for just a simple ledge to boost you just a little higher?

The past is always something that will haunt you. No, haunt is just simply too clichéd a word for this. Stalk. Follow in your shadow. Not that it's a bad thing of course. For some it will almost be like having someone you can fall back on when you need that happy boost that pills and modern indulgence just can't give you. But for those that are truly haunted by it, nothing helps. Sure there are the temporary lapses in time that indulgences can help with, but soon those fail and you are faced with them again. Of course simply confronting it is the best. But that requires a courage those that lack the security simply do not and possibly will not have. Even if they did have it or gained it, confronting may not even help. Like ghosts, they will simply follow you until you can put them to rest or have another replace it. Either way, they're always lingering.

I can't say that I hate it. I never hate anything. Except for myself. If it were not for me, I would not need to misplace my hate upon that object, that instance in time. If I did not create what I created for myself, I would not need to hate. If I did not see that, I would not have died. If this, if that. If many things did not happen, I would not be the wreck I am now. Of course I seem normal. Of course I seem perfectly fine and just living life contently each day. Of course I seem a lot of things. Note that the key word is 'seem'. Seem, as defined on dictionary.com is: 1.to give the impression of being; appear, 2. to appear to one's own opinion or mind, 3. to appear to be true, probable, or evident, and 4. to appear to exist. Although the last ones do not truly apply to this instance, the rest do. One, I give the impression to others that I am who I am. That I do what I do. That I act the way I do. That this is what my life is. And one is what I am. I am only one person in this world. I am alone.

Do I fight? Yes I do. Although in modern society, it is a more passive battleground. Again, I must correct myself. Fights that are non-physical are no less passive than they were five hundred years ago in Feudal Japan. Backstabbing. Public humiliation. Mockery. Friend pitted against friend. The passive and the weak against the powerful and the strong. Five hundred years ago, there was honour. There was treachery. There were no thoughts besides survival. I was at my peak, despite my companions. But even then I was weak. I lost. I fought to be the best despite being at my peak. I heard people ask me, those I knew and those I did not, who do you fight for? What do you fight for? I scoffed at them. I fought for righteousness. I fought for honour. I fought for the sake of fighting. There were the odd moments where I was truly fighting for another. Those did not matter to me then. It was simply an obligation. Just like ridding Naraku and his stench from our plane. That was why we lost so much. We thought we were fighting for more than we truly were. We thought we were fighting to better the world. We thought we were fighting to make everything better. We thought we were fighting to make everything right again. Of course, that wasn't true. It was all just huge power strives. One that we pitted ourselves into just to prove our place and our existence in this world. In the end, lives were lost and so was time. Naraku still lived despite his hollowness and lack of a physical form. He always lingered about.

Should we dwell in the past? For that they were correct. One should not dwell, but rather dip into and out of the past. One would grow old dwelling in the past as everything sped past. One would tear themselves apart, inside out, dwelling in the past. But should you only focus on walking? To an extent yes. Otherwise you would have walked the entire world without knowing you did. You would be lost. Rather, one should focus on where they are walking to while remaining conscious of the fact that they are walking. That way, they live in both the present and the future. Such was the life I should have led. Such was the life I can only wish that I had lived. Had I done so earlier, I would not have unconsciously thrown myself into that unmerciful chasm so deep and dark. Had I not been in there, I would not have hated myself so. I would not have hated myself for being so alike to Naraku, who still lingered because he could not forget the tangible form he had. The tangible power he once held.

Sorry. Apologies. Any other synonyms for these two words. Why do I say them now? What do I mean when I say this now?

I say them now because it is most appropriate. Because it is the only time that it rings true to myself.

I mean everything when I say it. And nothing.