I don’t own anything Inuyasha.
I should not have written this ridiculousness.
Sesshoumaru continued to eye the paper speculatively. “You are certain this will make my intentions plain and understandable for the miko?”
Inuyasha scoffed and scratched behind an ear. “Yeah, baka, I am the one who has been to her era. They have this box thing that shows small humans doing everything. I think she called it a ‘TeeVee’. Anyways, it plays music and this is how males speak to females there.”
Unaware if the hanyou was avoiding his scrutiny because of the legitimacy of the information or because of the humiliation of completing the help Sesshoumaru had sought after, Inuyasha’s eyes darted everywhere but towards his brother’s. His lip curled up in distaste as he read the words written down over again. “Humans seem to have adapted their affection for canines in a number of their mating rituals.”
“So,” the younger brother reasoned. “It should make it easier for you, right?”
Sesshoumaru scowled. “I am unclear of the meaning of some of these words.”
Inuyasha made a move to take the speech from his grip, but the taiyoukai pulled back possessively. “Tsk, it doesn’t matter if you know what they mean, Kagome will.”
Glowering, the silver inu ignored his brother’s presence and attempted to reason the meaning behind the odd phrases.
The night was breezy and warm, which Kagome thought would be a perfect night to lie out and count stars. Back at home, a heat wave had engulfed the concrete jungle of Tokyo and her travels back in time today proved to be a reprieve. Her feudal family sat comfortably around her and courteously ate the futuristic food she had returned with. Inuyasha perched high above them on a sturdy branch and was the only one to appear on edge.
“You okay, Inuyasha?”
His ears tweaked. “Sesshoumaru is coming tonight.”
Sango shrugged before sipping her tea. “He has been appearing around here a lot lately.”
“Yeah,” the hanyou grinned, and the miko noticed the effort he was putting into staying calm, “but this night I think is gonna be different.”
He refused to elaborate further, but they did not have to wait for long. A low groan of the two headed dragon reverberated above them before Sesshoumaru and his party landed by their own. Rin was fast asleep and secure on the saddle while Jaken fussed with reigning in Ah-Un. Immediately, the taiyoukai made his approach towards Kagome. She was midway through a greeting after she stood up before his low timbre silenced her.
“You da hottest bitch I’ve seen,” he read from a wrinkled sheet of notebook paper.
Kagome tensed, and sensed his anxiety, but immediately began to forgive Sesshoumaru for his choice of words. It was a dog reference, after all…
“Shawty, you got me sprung.”
The group froze in shock and Kagome paled, suddenly aware of what he was doing.
“Seeing dat booty shake all day make me want to get you alone.”
His deadpanned expression somehow made the startling use of Ebonics more horrifying.
"My little piggy’s beggin’ to ride dat ass all da way home.” When Kagome choked on her appalled disbelief, Sesshoumaru looked up from the paper to his intended’s bewildered expression. “For clarification,” he misunderstood, and his normal eloquence returned for a brief moment, “I am an inu, not a boar.”
“Not right now, you’re not,” Sango murmured under her breath. The hand that Miroku had fastened over his mouth shook as a new wave of fitful giggles assaulted him.
The miko’s head spun from the lack of circulation and a ghost of a protest escaped her lips as the taiyoukai continued his horrid courting.
“Twerk it for me, baby, one cheek at a time.”
Inuyasha finally lost his composure and dropped from his branch, laughing so hard he could not break his fall, and muffled his chortling in the soft dirt.
“Gonna work your body over and claim it as mine.”
Her heart hammered and returned the blood to her cheeks in full force.
“Don’t play like you don’t want it ‘cause damn girl,” he paused to flip the page over. “You fine.”
Why wasn’t somebody stopping him? Why wasn’t she stopping him!?
“I am almost finished.” He waved the paper slightly while catching her affronted gaze. “You are insulted,” the youkai noticed. “Have I not made my intentions clear?”
“I have no idea what is going on anymore.”
His eyes narrowed. “Inuyasha informed me this is how males obtained the favor of mates in your era.”
Kagome balked. “Inuyasha did?” Sesshoumaru nodded, but his expression darkened. Quickly, the priestess’s mirrored it. Her small, balled fist shook at her side and a familiar subduing command danced on her tongue. “Sesshoumaru, are you attempting to court me?”
Again, he nodded, but this time with insecure finality.
She could feel her face burning in anger and embarrassment. “Tell you what, kick Inuyasha’s ass, make him bleed, and we can discuss this further.”
He stood up straighter given a courting task he was accustomed to and regarded Kagome for a moment before approaching the hanyou, sword unsheathed, and declared, “I am still unsure what this ‘ass’ word means.”
A/N: Boys at work made me listen to T-Pain. I am not proud of myself. Unedited. Uncouth. Unbelievably crack-filled fic. Part Sesshoumaru, part Castiel.