Hopeless by Mizuko Takayama

Beautiful Disaster

Beautiful Disaster

By: Angel Kitty

Disclaimer: I do not own the song nor the characters.

Summary: After the “accident” Sesshoumaru is in darkness and the only bright spot keeping him alive is Kagome. The first chapter is in a double drabble format (meaning 200 words exactly) between each grouping of lyrics. The next chapter will be drabbles (exactly 100 words) and the final chapter will be half drabbles (exactly 50 words.)

**XOXOXOXOXOX**

He drowns in his dreams

An exquisite extreme I know

He's as damned as he seems

I heard him whimpering down the hall again. On nights like these, he told me a long time ago he didn’t want me to see him that way. There are nights I think to ignore his wishes and go to him anyway…. I love him… so much. I don’t want him to be in so much pain. I wish he would talk to me. I wish he would tell me what hurts him. Then maybe I wouldn’t feel so useless.

 I hear him moan more loudly this time. I just want to cry my eyes out. Some nights, I do cry… but I try not to. He can smell the old tears in the morning and feels like it’s his fault when really they are a product of helplessness and frustration. I just want to go to his room, curl my body around his and cuddle him. In some ways I wish he weren’t so proud. I wish he didn’t have to suffer alone. He doesn’t deserve to though he argues that with me….

Wishing seems… feels so pointless but I continue to hope, to wish. I want to help him so badly… but I don’t know what to do!

And more heaven than a heart could hold

And if I try to save him

My whole world would cave in

It just ain't right

Lord, it just ain't right

None of my friends like him… period. They say he’s too stoic, too jaded to make me happy. I hear him growl in horror and panic. He sounds so afraid! Fresh tears come to my eyes but I blink them back. He should have to live like this. Whenever it storms, he dreams. When the wind howls, he dreams. When the rain falls, yep he dreams.

Some nights, I don’t hear him. I’ll only know the next day when I look into his eyes, the one place he can hide nothing from me. On those days, I hold him close and I suppose in my own way baby him as much as he will allow.

I go see him at work and stay there for most of the day helping like a second secretary. I run errands for him like fetching lunch, doing some of the basic paper work, organizing the papers into three stacks: important, get to soon, and whenever you have a chance. Then he’ll drive us home and I will coddle him there, much to his annoyance and my pleasure.

He wants to take care of me. He wants to show me how much he loves me.

Oh and I don't know

I don't know what he's after

But he's so beautiful

He's such a beautiful disaster

And if I could hold on

Through the tears and laughter

Lord, Would it be beautiful?

Or just a beautiful disaster

Some nights… it’s just so horrible. He sounds like he’s dying.

“Sesshoumaru?” I crept into his room. If he knows nights like these are coming he always sleeps in his room, it’s how I now these nights are coming. I moved toward where his head lay. “Anata (a term of endearment like darling or beloved), come to bed. I need to hold you tonight.”  I moved his bangs from his eyes. He was acting like he was asleep again. “Please?” Just let me love you like you love me.

He opened his eyes when it became apparent I wouldn’t give in this night. He gave a long suffering sigh (at least long and suffering for him, for anyone else it was almost just a huff of annoyance.) “Very well,” his voice was incredibly quiet but he rose fluidly and I took his hand leading him to my bedroom.

I pulled him down on my bed. His head perched on the left side of my chest, listening to my heart. I laid there wide awake until his breathing evened out. I felt his body relax against his orders. He was truly asleep for the first time in a while. I breathed a sigh of relief. He was always worse this time of year.

He's magic and myth

As strong as what I believe

A tragedy with

More damage than a soul should see

But do I try to change him

So hard not to blame him

Hold me tight

Hold me tight

My family doesn’t mind him but they don’t trust him either. Mother sees him talk care of me so she likes him well enough. Grandfather… well Sesshoumaru is a demon and Grandfather is a monk with no powers but a monk nonetheless. Needless to say he hates Sesshoumaru and has no qualms about voicing his opinion. My little brother… he doesn’t know what to think. Grandfather abhors Sesshoumaru and Mother has no issues with him. He gets confused and sends mixed signals. Sometimes he loves Sesshoumaru and some days Souta really can’t stand him.

It’s so hard. Even on me, I can’t blame my little brother for his confusion. Souta can be so kind one visit then barely talk to us the next. I want Souta to like him. I want my friends to like him. Why can’t life be easy?

Some days I wonder how we are going to get through this. I love him. I want him to let me love him like he loves me. But if I talk to him about it he turns off. He won’t listen. I’m “too delicate” for that. I’m the only one “untouched” by the “accident,” the death of his family.

Oh and I don't know

I don't know what he's after

But he's so beautiful

He's such a beautiful disaster

And if I could hold on

Through the tears and the laughter

24, June 2010

Why won’t he let me help him? Is his pride so strong that my help would weaken him? No, that wasn’t fair. I know that’s not the truth. I… I just don’t know what to do anymore. If I can help him, I will have to send him to someone who can. I hate to have to do it because he’ll come up with every reason under the sun to get out of it. But he needs this and I need the strong man I fell in love with. I love him as he is, don’t get me wrong, but… he’s just not himself like this. I’m starting to feel like this won’t work out. No! I can’t leave him like this! That was wrong to say write. I will love him for the rest of my life. I will stay by his side. He needs my help. I can’t let my friends and family get to me. …That sounds ominous. Writing that my friends and family don’t like him. …I always said if my friends don’t like him me’s not for me. But they did like him… before the “accident.” He was different then.

Love,

Kagome

Would it be beautiful?

Or just a beautiful disaster

I remember before the “accident.” Mother adored him. Souta was warmer more of the time than not. Even Grandfather liked him to a degree. He would help Mother with her bags. He was always on call no matter the time. If my family needed help, he was there. My family was his family. He loved them because they were part of me. They were a window into my past and he loved their stories of when I was a child. He loved joking with me about them later and poking fun. I was always a little annoyed when he came home with a new one from Souta. Those were never as cute and gentle as Mama’s stories. One of those stories would entertain him for about a week, then he was after a new one.

But after the “accident,” he was in meetings and couldn’t go help Mother or Grandfather or Souta.

I think those happy memories hurt him. They remind him he will never have his family back.

For a long time I was angry at my family for not understanding his pain. It was excruciating for me too. It’s not that they didn’t understand; it’s that they couldn’t.

I'm longing for love and the logical

But he's only happy, hysterical

I'm searching for some kind of miracle

Waited so long...

Waited So long.

I couldn’t take care of him anymore. He was gone beyond what I was capable of healing. He needed a doctor. But I couldn’t bring it up to him. It’s so difficult knowing you can’t give the one you love what they need most…. I wanted to be able to be the one who could heal him, like in those romance novels and in the movies. But I quickly found out that all of that really is only in the movies and books. At the time, I was just hoping it wasn’t too late for him to find his way back to me. I needed help. …Those words can be so agonizing and stressful. In the past, I had only known them to be liberating and wonderful. But then… I had such a high need to protect him from anyone or anything that could hurt him. I felt like a mama bear and her cub or perhaps a better fit would have been a mama dog with her pup. The analogy made me want to laugh hysterically but I didn’t. We could only handle one of us going off the deep end and right then that position was occupied. Help….

He's soft to the touch

But frayed at the end he breaks

He's never enough

And still he's more than I can take

Oh and I don't know

I don't know what he's after

But he's so beautiful

Such a beautiful disaster

And if I could hold on

Through the tears and the laughter

Would it be beautiful?

Or just a beautiful disaster

When I came home that night, the apartment was dark.  I was carrying in the groceries. Setting them on the counter, I started putting everything away. I had assumed work kept him out later than he had expected and he would be home soon. Once I was done with the groceries, I went to into the living room to relax since I had about a half an hour before I had to start making dinner.

But there he was in the living room… staring at our picture. The picture of our one year anniversary. Back when his family was alive, we had taken a picture… back when he was happy. We were smiling, so happy. Thinking nothing could go wrong or nothing could ruin the moment, so naïve and hopeful, trusting. But life can be so cruel. It took all he had to give and gave too little back. This was the reason I truly had to make it work. I was all this wonderful man had left. If I was gone, he would go insane. He would be broken beyond repair. I couldn’t bear the thought.

He tried so hard to get back on his feet on his own.

He's beautiful

Such a beautiful disaster

“Why do you love me? Why do you put up with me? Why do you put up with all of this crap?” He was asking the “me” in the picture. I don’t think he even knew I was there. His finger traced my face longingly as if the picture would answer his tortured question.

I came up behind him and wrapped my arms around his shoulders. He stiffened in surprise. How odd he didn’t sense me. Tears silently fell as I spoke. “‘If you press me to say why I [love you], I can say no more than because [you are you], and I [am] I.’ (1) I ‘put up with you’ as you put it” I whispered in his ear, “because I love you and I want to be with you always. I put up with your emotional baggage because you mean that much to me. I just wish you would let me help you. I wish you would let me love you like you love me….” His breath hitched. I kissed his cheek. “I’m begging you to let me help you carry your burden just as you help me. I’m not glass. I won’t run. I love you.”

**XOXOXOXOXOX**

(1)    This is a quote by Michel de Montaigne. Whenever I think of the question “Why do you love me?” or something to that extent I always think of this quote. For those of you who are not familiar with brackets ([…]) in a quote, they are for a tense change. The original quote is as follows: “If you press me to say why I loved him, I can say no more than because he was he, and I was I.” The version I changed it to is: “If you press me to say why I [love you], I can say no more than because [you are you], and I [am] I.”

I hope you enjoyed the first chapter! Please let me know if you see any errors in my grammar.

Have a wonderful week.

~~Mizuko~~