So this is a silly meme-fic I thought of, and I couldn’t get it out of my head, so here we are.
One important thing: much of Kagome’s dialogue in this one-shot is taken directly from Trixie Mattel’s reaction to seeing Paul Hollywood for the first time. It’s not necessary to know the video in question, but I definitely need to mention it for anyone that would recognize Trixie’s comments. This is just a silly one-shot, all in the name of fun and love for one of my favorite drag queens (and a certain demon lord).
Now, please enjoy Kookaburra.
Kookaburra
A pebble in her shoe.
That’s what had caused it: a single, tiny pebble. She could have lived with it, she could have just not let it bother her—but no, on this particular day, Kagome felt the need to stop and remove said annoyance from her penny loafer.
Now, any other day, this would have been perfectly fine for her to have done. Any other day, it would have been just another innocuous moment of her life, removing a pebble from her shoe. Kagome could have even waited just another minute before doing so, and all of it could have been avoided.
But no.
Today, she stopped in the middle of a crossroads, telling her traveling companions not to worry as she paused to address the tiny rock. She balanced on one foot as she removed her shoe and dug the pebble out, dropping it on the ground. It was when she was attempting to put her shoe back on that it happened.
There was a puff of dark purple smoke, and suddenly Kagome found herself face-up on the dirt road with a hefty, twin-tailed fox demon sitting on her, groaning in pain from the impact. Kagome herself wasn’t feeling so good from the encounter as well, with the full weight of the demon’s immense posterior pressing on her stomach and ribs. To make matters worse, this demon was a merchant of some sort, and a sackful of his wares came loose from the enormous pack on his back (one that completely dwarfed the girl’s own giant yellow backpack), and it crashed softly over Kagome’s face.
She lay there, covered in all sorts of different powders of varying colors, coughing and struggling to breathe under the weight of her unwitting assailant.
“Can’t… breathe…” she wheezed under the demon.
“Kagome!” Inuyasha yelled, apparently having just seen the commotion. She could hear them all running over to her, worry in their voices.
It was then that the fox demon seemed to notice the young girl under him, and he jumped off her quickly in a surprising show of agility for a demon his size. “M-Miss?” the fox called to her. His voice was friendly and light, but nervous. “Are you alright? How badly are you hurt?”
Glad to be able to breathe, Kagome sat up, putting a hand over her stomach, “I’m alright… Just need to get some air.”
She looked at the fox demon, taking in his appearance. His haori and hakama were plum, embroidered with flowers and fish in a shiny, cream-colored thread. He had red-brown hair, slightly darker than Shippo’s, and dark green eyes. His twin tails were tipped with white, and the paws he had for feet were tipped white on each toe. As she looked at his heavy face and barely-pointed ears, she noticed his eyes widen at her.
“Oh… no…” he whispered, looking horrified.
“Kagome,” Inuyasha said again, moving to kneel beside her to help her get up. “C’mon, you’re a mess.”
“Don’t go near her!” the fox merchant cried, blocking the dog demon from his friend.
“Who the hell are you to tell me what to do?!” he shouted down at the squatty fox.
The tails flicked nervously behind the merchant. “I-It’s for your own safety,” he tried to explain.
“What do you mean?” Kagome asked, getting to her feet by herself.
The fox’s eyes fell to the sack that had spilled the various powders all over Kagome and the dirt road around them, “Those powders are all concentrated potions—they need water to be activated—except for this one.” He turned and swiped his finger down Kagome’s left cheek, showing her the gold powder that gathered on it, “This one is supposed to be inhaled, and only a pinch at a time. You were given a full-face of the stuff, and there’s no telling how much you breathed in!”
She felt panic rise inside her, “Oh my god! Am I going to die?”
The merchant held up his hands, “No, no! It’ll just have to… wear off.”
“And how long will that take?” Inuyasha asked, folding his arms in annoyance.
“Hard to say,” the fox said, sheepish and apologetic. “That powder takes a couple of hours to go away when it’s used properly. With the amount she inhaled, it could be up to a day or two before the effect finally fades.”
Kagome shifted her weight nervously, “And what… what does this powder do?”
“It’s my own invention!” the merchant said, suddenly proud. “A bit of nature combined with fox magic, that powder makes its victim unable to hide their true thoughts. I’ve been calling it Honesty Dust, but that’s simply a working title.”
The modern girl sighed, “I guess that’s not too bad. I think I can live with that. I’m a pretty honest person as it is, so it could be worse.” (How wrong she was.)
Inuyasha nodded in agreement, “She is.”
Miroku, Sango, and Shippo, who had arrived on the scene not long after Inuyasha, also nodded their heads.
“How does this powder work?” Miroku asked curiously. “And what did you invent it for?”
“There are a great number of nobles who buy the powder for their guards to use on trespassers and the like,” the fox explained. “Army men use it for similar reasons. All they have to do is fling a pinch at their victim’s face and ask them a question, or give them a demand. It works instantly.”
If Kagome had been a smarter woman at the time, she would have recognized Miroku’s mischievous grin, and that it could only spell trouble for her later on. At the time, she read it as one of his signature easy-going smiles. (Foolish.)
“I see,” was all the monk said.
“Kagome, we should get you cleaned up,” Sango piped. She turned to the fox merchant, “And she’ll be alright? You said the other powders need water to activate—but if she rinses them off, she should be fine, right?”
The fox nodded, “Just make sure she thoroughly dusts herself off beforehand, and all should be well, miss.” He turned and bowed to Kagome, “Please forgive me, young lady. Sometimes my teleportation powers are finicky.”
Kagome just waved a hand, “I’m perfectly fine. No harm done.”
With that, the merchant parted ways with them, but not before offering a large box of sweets for the group—a gift that Shippo and Inuyasha readily and gleefully accepted.
Sango escorted Kagome to a nearby stream (while maintaining a safe but sociable distance). The schoolgirl patted herself off, multicolored clouds puffing off her uniform shirt and skirt. Kagome then wiped her face as much as she could with her dry hands before undressing and rinsing her body, then doing the same with her clothes until the water dripped clear. Luckily, her white satin bra was unaffected by the whole debacle, so she left that on.
Once she was finally clean of the mystery magics, Kagome dressed herself in a pair of form-fitting yoga capris and a periwinkle tank top with spaghetti straps. It was summer, and the weather permitted such attire for her, but it would later prove to make her situation all the more embarrassing. Putting on a cute pair of black walking shoes, she packed her things back up and began walking with Sango again, tying her voluminous hair up in a high ponytail.
When she rejoined the group, she noticed Inuyasha quickly look away from her after he saw her change her outfit. He was always so weird around her whenever she wore her yoga pants, but he never said anything about them.
Miroku, on the other hand, loved to flaunt his pervy side.
“Ahh, Kagome, the day is always lovelier when you wear garments like these,” he said as they walked. He and Inuyasha were walking behind her as Shippo rested on her shoulder, with Sango at her side.
“Shut up, monk,” Inuyasha said, and Kagome heard Miroku’s pained grunt that could only mean the half-demon had sharply elbowed him in the side.
“I agree with Inuyasha,” Sango sighed with an edge of wrath. “Shut it.”
She heard Miroku chuckle, and then, “What do you think, Kagome?”
Kagome, unable to stop herself and without looking back, said, “I think you two idiots need to stop staring at my ass.”
The embarrassed sputtering from Inuyasha and the startled noise Miroku made had Shippo laughing. “I think the Honesty Dust is working now,” said the kit.
Kagome never cursed, and likely wouldn’t have around Shippo, but she couldn’t help it. Her face flushed, “I-I’m sorry, Shippo. Please don’t repeat that.”
“It’s no worse than the stuff Inuyasha says all the time,” Shippo responded with a shrug of his shoulders.
“Oh, please! And I do not stare at your butt, Kagome,” Inuyasha said gruffly, quickly stepping in stride with her and Sango.
“The evidence doesn’t lie, Inuyasha,” Sango teased. “You usually lead the group, do you not? And then Kagome wears her strange pants, and all of a sudden, you like to stray behind us. Isn’t that right, Kagome?”
“Oh, he’s just as much of an ass man as Miroku, without a doubt,” Kagome blurted, and then she squeaked in embarrassment—but she wasn’t done: “A breast man, too, if the way he stares at my tits is any indication.” She felt her cheeks burning hot. Miroku was laughing heartily behind them.
An uncharacteristic whimper of embarrassment escaped the half-demon, and his eyes shot straight ahead, as if to will himself to not look in Kagome’s direction. “I do not stare at her,” he bristled, his face turning almost as red as his robe.
Then Shippo decided to get in on the fun with the young priestess’ predicament, “Hey Kagome, what do you think about Miroku and Sango? They’re always fighting, and Miroku’s always getting slapped.”
The magic compelled her to speak once again, “Those two just need to go off somewhere and fuck.” Kagome slapped her hand over her mouth, giving an apologetic look to her friend whose mouth was agape. Everyone stopped on the dirt road, letting the mortifying moment sink in.
Inuyasha had thrown his head back and laughed, now that the attention wasn’t on him.
“You know, Sango, I’m not opposed to that,” Miroku said, looking startled but amused nonetheless. The demon slayer’s face pinkened and she looked away from him.
Kagome groaned and covered her face in her hands, “Guys, please stop asking me questions.”
“But then we don’t get to hear all these charming thoughts you keep to yourself, Kagome,” Miroku told her with a teasing smile. “Come now, what’s another we can ask her?”
It was Shippo who asked again, hopping over to Sango’s shoulder to better see Kagome’s reaction, “What about Inuyasha, Kagome?”
Kagome’s blue eyes widened in horror, but before whatever scandalous thing could leave her mouth, a clawed hand clamped over her mouth, and the words were muffled by their firm grip.
“Stop makin’ her say shit about me,'' Inuyasha sniped at the kit. She was still talking into his hand, her private thoughts being spilled to only his fingers.
Miroku raised his eyebrows, “My, my… she has quite a lot to say about you, Inuyasha. You’re not curious?”
The half-demon’s face was red, glaring at the monk, “Nah, I’m sure I already know what she’s sayin’. Don’t need her repeatin’ how I’m such a pain all the time.”
“Are you certain that’s what she’s saying?” Miroku chuckled. “I’m willing to bet it would surprise you.”
“Yes, I agree with you there, Miroku,” Sango said, and Kagome gave her a betrayed look over Inuyasha’s fingers. But she shook her head, “Don’t look at me like that. You started this!”
Kagome wrenched Inuyasha’s hand from her face, “I did not!”
At that moment, a familiar ball of light began darting around in the sky near them, and Inuyasha growled, his ears flattening against his head. Kagome’s eyes widened and she quietly whispered to herself, “Oh no…”
The light landed on the path just ahead of them, fading away to reveal the great Lord Sesshomaru.
“Hello, little brother,” he greeted cooly, his golden eyes flicking across the whole group with relative disinterest.
It was then that Miroku, smirking with glee after seeing Kagome’s reaction to Sesshomaru’s arrival, uttered the phrase that she’d never be able to come back from:
“Kagome, tell Lord Sesshomaru what you think of him.”
Inuyasha, who had walked ahead of the group to put himself between them and his elder brother, looked back in horror, “Miroku, you’re going to get her killed!”
At the same moment, Kagome spoke: “Fuck. Me. Up.”
“Pardon me?” the demon lord asked, blinking at her.
But Kagome was far from being done, “Literally Michael Myers—choke me out, stick a fucking knife up my pussy—I don’t want to live, I don’t want to make it through it.” She stepped forward, the magic compelling her to stand beside Inuyasha as she spoke. “How did she die?” Kagome asked herself. “Sesshomaru dicked her down until her eyeballs popped out of her skull. She’s dead now. She died doing what she loved.”
Miroku roared with laughter, doubling over and dropping his staff. Sango covered Shippo’s ears.
Sesshomaru looked at his brother with slightly wider eyes than usual, and his lips barely parted—an expression that could only be the stoic demon lord’s version of complete and utter shock. “What devil has possessed your priestess, Inuyasha?” he asked indignantly. Some of her words were modern and unfamiliar to the group, but their meaning clearly wasn’t lost on anyone, especially Sesshomaru.
“It’s a spell!” Inuyasha shouted, trying to stand in front of Kagome. “Some stupid fox merchant ran into her and—”
Kagome wasn’t done, not by a long shot, continuing her filthy diatribe as she looked directly at Sesshomaru, “If you don’t unload in me in about eight minutes, I’m leaving. Sesshomaru—Get. Over. Here.” She clapped to emphasize each word as she said it.
“Kagome, please,” Inuyasha said, trying to reach for her mouth again, but Kagome slapped his hands away, the magic willing her to fulfill Miroku’s demand.
“If you walked into my bedroom, your pants would drop, and that twelve-inch uncut thing would roll out onto the floor, and it would be over. It would be over,” Kagome told the demon lord passionately. “I’d throw it over my shoulders like a mink stole and do a dance number, frankly.”
Miroku was on the ground now, unable to control the peals of laughter and guffaws bursting out of him. Sango was blushing thoroughly, looking a little confused at the wording (as did Shippo, but thankfully the kit couldn’t hear Kagome), and she glanced around uncomfortably.
“And then,” Kagome said, “you’re going to lick me until I’m cross-eyed.”
“You really keep all this shit to yourself?” Inuyasha asked, horrified. “What the hell has gotten into you, Kagome?”
“With any luck, I’ll be sandwiched between the two of you before sundown,” Kagome told him, unabashed. “That’s what I want in me: two hot demon rods railing me until I’m a fucking puddle on the floor.”
Finally finished, Kagome covered her face in her hands, unable to look at anyone, and groaned quietly in humiliation.
Sesshomaru blinked, looking between the two of them, “What kind of magic is this, little brother? Why does she say such things?”
“Something called Honesty Dust,” Inuyasha said, his face flushed red hot from Kagome’s last comment. “It makes the person affected tell the truth. Kagome got a face full of it a little while ago.”
The demon lord nodded slowly, pondering, “I see…”
Before anyone could say anything else, and after a long look at Kagome, Sesshomaru lifted back into the sky, disappearing in his ball of light.
Everyone stayed quiet for what seemed like an eternity, and then Miroku spoke.
“And you all call me a pervert.”
o0o
A few days later, after the effects of the powder had worn off, they were visited by Sesshomaru again. This time, they’d been camping out in an abandoned hut, and the demon lord came waltzing in through the flap in the doorway.
“Brother, I have come to visit Kagome,” he announced, and then looked down at her.
Kagome, who’d been serving soup from the pot over the fire, dropped the ladle with a little squeak.
“Would you take a walk with me, priestess?” Sesshomaru asked, a strange look in his golden eyes.
“I ain’t lettin’ her go anywhere alone with you, bastard,” Inuyasha said, darting up from his seat.
“Then come along,” the elder inu said with a shrug. His attention drifted back to Kagome as a devious grin spread across his mouth, “From what I hear, I believe she’d prefer it.”
o0o