I'll start off with your author note. If you want to make the chapter a little more melancholy then I would suggest drawing it out a bit. Get her to Keade’s hut a little slower, make her wonder why people are surrounding it. Then, once she’s inside, make her notice the children, spot Rin. The speed of her finding Keade on her death bed was pretty good, but draw out her dying words with her gasping breaths. And as clichéd as it is maybe mention Keade’s eyes, like if they lit up when they saw Kags. It will add emotional weight to the scene and make it hurt a bit more when she dies.
Maybe I should’ve started this review with my normal opening when I actually review XD *Ahem* These are only my opinions. I’m no pro, and as such you can chose to ignore every bit of what I write. They are only opinions and suggestions.
Onward!
Chapters 2-4 seemed a bit rushed. It’s a good pace, but especially in chapter four it seemed rushed. Kagome didn’t have much time to process her mom’s parting words. I think it would take a little longer for her to come to any kind of conclusion, or even to come to the conclusion that she can’t come to a conclusion until later ><
Um, let’s see. I love your writing style, you have excellent word choice. You describe things beautifully, and I can ‘see’ what I’m reading easily. Much more easily than with most fics I’ve read. And there are a lot of them on that list. Ummm grammar was good, spelling was good. Oh but there was a typo. Kag’s age. You say three years have passed, but you call her fifteen. Not sure which chapter that was or even if I misread the passage, but I’m pretty sure you meant 18.
Plot… it’s a bit early to tell, but I think you have a good layout already. You drop a bunch of important terms and names in the first chapter and then there’s the cryptic words from future Kags(I love to guess =D) and Hojo’s family’s secret poetry message. So lots of hints, making me really look forward to how this plays out.
For the grand finale of this longish review… I liked it, please write more. ^______^
~Zero
I would love to read more! Only four chapters and I'm greatly enjoying this story. It's much more unique. If you have a mailing list for updates, I would love to be added.
Email: Lairenna@gmail.com
Okies... I have to confess I wasn't expecting a 'Kagome sent to the future' after that opening chapter.
So Sesshomaru wished for his arm back... not for Rin not to leave his side? I'm a little disappointed by this. As with Inuyasha becoming full demon. :pouts: Half his charm is those puppy ears. ;) But I look forward to seeing how these work into your story.
But more importantly... What DID Hojo give Kagome? My reasoning skills from his list are drawing a blank. Or rather.... my imagination is running away with me on possibilites for a few of them. :faceplants: eep.
Thanks for writing!
