I really enjoyed this chapter, I love gutsy, bold Kagomes! And your Kagome is blessed with a sense of humor! A major plus!
You asked for concrit and I am willing to be of service. I don't guarantee this for every chapter, but I am pretty anal retentive. Note: anything in brackets [] should be deleted.
She had been working for Taisho Corp for nearly five years. She loved her work ... for the most part. There was only one small problem. His name was Sesshomaru Taisho, and he was her boss. She had been asked once by the other women at a party celebrating the corporation's 100th year what it was like working for the man called Tokyo's "Most Successful and Handsome". Of course, being the professional and loyal assistant that she was, she merely smiled and said, [Make delightful a part of this paragraph.] "Delightful."
Because if she had said what she was really thinking: [--] (Use a colon instead of dashes in this instance.)
-- ... well, she wouldn't be out of a job, (Either the elipsis or the dashes, but not both. And Well should be capitalized)
concealing himself .. and by then it was (An elipsis is 3 dots... no more, no less.)
she saw the back of a very tall man with silver hair, tied back with a simple band, standing rigidly. (Enclose parenthetical phrases in commas to add clarity to the sentence. To determine if a phrase is parenthetical, you can write the sentence without the phrase and the sentence will still make sense. But not ALL parenthetical phrases need to be separated by commas, English does this just to confuse you; and it does it on purpose because the English language, regardless the dialect, IS out to get you.)
[Y -- You] Y...you never said that you wanted a new one! (Or: Y-you.)
But[ ..]... you didn't say that it was broken! (Elipsis = ...)
I don't know exactly what the woman did, sir, (Names and titles when being used as direct address should be enclosed in commas.)
Gasps echoed down the corridor[,] and, for the first time, Kagome felt a sliver of unease.
"I do not repeat myself, girl."
Frantically, her mind searched for an answer to the question that had only been a buzzing in her ear
Kagome [..]... remember [..]... a professional is always cool
Another woman came in, who seemed to be a friend, and said she would take it from there.
Hurry up, woman
Whatever for, sir?
Scowling, he motioned her into a private lift,
Instead of: She had to force the urge to tap her foot down as she waited for him to answer.
How about: She had to force down the urge to tap her foot as she waited for him to answer.
I don't care if you are a Kami himself but, if you don't back up, you are going to be in a world of hurt!" (I LOVE this sentence, I'm still laughing over it!)
Coughing softly, she clasped her trembling hands in front of her.["]
Not quite, sir.
I trust the pay is sufficient, as well as the medical and vacation time ...
Also, my weekends [..]... aside from any business trips, of course, are my own.
And, if she didn't know any better, he seemed pleased.
Please don't think me harsh. You actually did a tremendously good job of writing this. These are the little things that an author, concentrating on getting the story written, is likely to miss. Or, something I often do, re-read the work and see what I expected to write and not what I’ve actually written. Frustrating. The story itself, now that I’ve gone over it closely, is really good. You’ve certainly captivated me, and this is just the first chapter!
Sophie (Chapter 2) - Fri 23 Apr 2010
I had really good time reading this. Your style is light and characters are interesting, but not out of original characters. I will make sure to read next chapters. Good work =)
Interesting beginning ! I can't wait to see how Sesshoumaru's gonna "survive" alone :p
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