This was definately an interesting start, however it needs a little TLC. Spacing between your paragraphs would make it easier for your readers to read what you have written, as it is right now it is hard to focus on the content because you are trying not to lose your place. There are also some minor gramatical/punctuation errors throughout this story, but they will be easy to correct with a quick editing section, or even with the help of a beta if you so choose. This story is a little rough, but with a little work it will transform from an intersting start to an excellent story. I'll look forward to more of yor work in the future.

You've got a great start, and I'm interested to see where this will go. A couple of helpful tips: 1) for asthetic purposes and easier reading, make sure to remember the space between paragraphs. Everything starts to flow together and its easy on a computer to loose your place when its just line after line of text. 2) I enjoyed all of the dialogue, as everyone was kept well in character. However, for the entertainment purposes of the story it would be nice to see some more destriptive context. Keep it up sweety! Great work.

I would really recommend going back over this story and giving it a bit of TLC.  The formatting is very hard to read, having each line starting a new paragraph.  A good rule of thumb is to try to have each paragraph as about 3-4 lines, unless a new speaker is added.  A few one line paragraphs here and there won't cause too many problems, but more than that will interupt the flow of your story.  Also your sentences are coming off as completely new thoughts rather than a flowing story.  Try to connect them a bit more. 

Example: Guns were fired, blood was shed, and his body crumpled to the ground before her eyes.
Everything went black.
"NOOO!!!" she screamed, jolting from the bed.
A stale image of the man, whom she thought was invincible, shattered like glass in her mind.

Around her she could hear the guns being fired, the loud pops echoing off the walls that surrounded her.  She watched as the blood was shed, as his body crumpled to the ground before her very eyes.  An moment later, everything went black.

"No!" she screamed as she jolted up from the bed, the stale image of the man, whom she had once thought to be invincible, shattering like glass in her mind. 

Good, I really like the way this is written you can feel Kagome's emotions. I only saw one thing that you could change to make it read easier for other reader's. Spaces lol...I have the same problem when I don't put enough space between paragraphs and what not.

But other then that I think you did an excellent job and I want to see more.

This beginning definitely leaes you wanting more.  I wonder what's up with Miroku and Shippo they seem a little too calm.  I think think this was very well written and you captured Kagome's emotions very well.  I can't wait to see how this turns out especially with Sesshomaru acting so very distant.